choking down the embers

I woke up today...

2009-05-23T17:56:50Z

when the force of gravity shifted its direction towards me
i never realized that seconds would turn to centuries
every day it is a little bit shorter
every way i just can't ignore it

how one second i'm here the next i'm not
constantly in an endless train of thought
no words in my head only images to describe
the right side of my brain constructs an open eye

i see and i focus and i listen
the longer i stare, the more hope it is given
i hear and i grasp and i dare not speak a word
for the concentration of not thinking is all i am living

i wish i could put my heart into words
when i sit here and type once again
i pray my soul into stone
hope i never leave this plain

i'd rather be stuck in eternity than out of exsistence
attached to the soil with roots growing down
wearing a thought in my magic resistance
i will never give into the turning of man

i fear our time has come to an end
my friend
this world we know and pretend
pretend
we all think there's one thing there's something to gain
we all see the good side and bad side to blame
it's shown to us since the dawn of communication
that man will tell man to tell man to be patient

but the colors run thin
the water runs deep
and all will see
and all will weep
when the time is now
when the end is imminent
just remember that the universe is infinite
though we may pass
all in a blur
the motion of this planet
spinning us into life and chaos
hopefully our souls will live on

...all in a blur

there are no words left...

2009-05-22T01:17:54Z

to describe how i feel for you. everytime i think of you, i get angry. i think, how can anyone ever harm you or anyone like you? I want to protect you, to stand up for you, i look at you i see a beautiful portrait i dare not touch in fear of the colors running at my hand... i see more than just a girl, or skin, or flesh or whatever it is these other clowns see. i see a heart, a soul, and lover of this planet. this green gift the heavens have gave us. through sand, wind, and time we are here. i see you, my queen of this planet, perched on your ledge, your hillside cliff. staring down upon all your glorious creatures whom you wish you could preserve. I stand there with you, at your side, always. you may not always see me, but im there... hear me in the wind... you've heard it all before, the dark painting i see, of your eyes...

what am i trying to say? I know what's up, what it du, what the deal, i know how you feel alright? doesn't mean it automatically makes me awesome or hay we can relate, no. i'm just letting you know, i've felt this way for a very long time. if it isn't obvious from my history of entries here, then I don't know what else I can tell you to prove to you that... i really care for this planet. I believe in the Sun, Moon, and Earth that gives me life. Who else does, physically, literally? God? I havent seen his ass around to guide his herd. sounds like a flock of shit to me.

imma protect you, the planet, my family, and everyone. im going to be the difference...

the difference between us and them? we don't follow them. we follow our own path. I'm glad we share the same fork in the road, remember? well tell you what my lil candle in the wind, don't let that flame die out yet. i still have so much i want to share with you...

my intentions? to be happy with one of the greatest girls i have ever met/laid my eyes on. aside from being amazingly beautiful on the outside, your molten hot core zaps me to dust. :)

if you've read this far, thanks... i mean every word... i'm not like those other people, i never have been. the isolation and suffering is over. i will rise up again, not by the fall of others around me, but on my own. you've been doing pretty good so far picking yourself back up. im gonna keep helping you until these training wheels of mine are gone, sounds good? maybe we can ride the dusty trail sooner than we think. :D

peace out to planet earth lol

life is painful

2009-04-20T02:07:18Z

fuck does anyone care anymore? we're all numb from the bruising

when the fuck are we all going to pick up each other, mankind that is, and fucking help each other already? It's all obvious that we are all aware of the big picture. i just want to promote positive attitudes and eliminate bias but i can't do shit because tv said so or music says so or news says so because everything that is put out there is either to devilishly entertain and deceive you or to lie to you and take your money either way. the way this system is set up sucks fucking dongs. dong fuckers.

piece of shit set up to fail secretely trying to hide communism, socialism, nazism, capitalism, and backbone it to our government to use us. this is crap. fuck you greedy fucks if 9/11 2 happens im not going to let martial law UN soldiers take me away, no, im going to fucking kill myself. i'd rather be a corpse before i get sent to a fucking slave camp for my own bullshit conspiracy safety.

and take that you corrupted illuminati freemason mutated freaks of destruction

operation garden plot, rex 84, chinese, italian, korean, UN soldiers, stationed in our own country being paid right now to fully operate facilities

ok ok i sound like a negative nelson, but the truth is, I'm not! I just get frustrated but that doesn't mean i won't continue to do positive things in my life and what i can to help out. So ya, no sad ending for me. everything else that sucks can fuck off

Maybe you'll see...

2009-04-20T01:55:50Z

So before you read anything, any of this chatter
I'd like you to the know the idiom's in here are rather,
fixated, instinctive, relative, and opinionated
realistic, dormant, infused, and affiliated
so now that you have the idea and knowing you're the only one around
take a look into my thoughts, my soul, my departures and my writings
just know that, i am not troubled, but when i speak of my feelings,
words are obviously just numbers

i want to be a writer, but the things i want to speak of aren't for entertainment
they aren't for my career, they aren't for you to say "wow"
they're mine, my writings that others are welcome to
but they are from my heart and my heart only
inspired from darkness i share to myself my true soul
with these words i pray for us all
i pray they are not in vain, but they are
so, enjoy the end of the world because the universe will carry on

...that i know who i am and what i stand for

...of life

2008-01-12T18:47:51Z

associating the nation with all the destruction of beauty
a star ascends to a soul not far from wake
stolen secrets kept away from you and i
it will all come back to me someday
the loss of a character is a departure from angst
i have been shaped and the rest have decided my path is set in stone
the thirst is growing stronger for the waters are murky...

let the ego go
let the pride die
pass on the torch

deeper and deeper we perceive clearly

we fail to acknowledge the lies
we stand up and rise
we kill

tear the world apart with your screams, ryder...

of agony and ages
of gods and monsters
of love and hate

of deep remorse for the death of the worlds nature and beauty

fuel the rage or feign the flame

who's to say which way is right

the associated dementia of my subconscious is nigh

run from the day and run to the night

a calm serenity before crisis awakens once again...

who is to blame when there is no one with the right answers...

pretend it's not real
pretend this isn't happening
smile and fade sparkle and glisten in the sunlight waves
amber clouds and memories partake...

in a day dream in the grass looking up above the skies...

i heard the lost cries...

leave us crushed

2007-12-30T16:27:56Z

The roads are paved and the communications are high. You will be swallowed in the masses, irregardless of choice. You contribute to it everyday. Everything you chose, you wear, you say, you love, you learn, you hate, you are. You have no choice.

So what do you have to lose? What's the point of even feeling guilt? Jump on the wagon we're watching the band play tonight. After all these years, the wand of fear. Before endless nights and days reigned, now we reside to be blamed.

A rich and true world where ignorance is the charade we play. A poor and deceitful attempt to fathom a mass over production. Protocol is engaged and reticules are locked. Walk and talk it's the way to...

stop

inspiration in a shadow is a glimpse of light

2007-12-12T07:51:22Z

so i've been faking it all along
singing and dancing to the songs
so i've been seeing it all along
so long i've been saying i'm gone

when i pass you by will you pass me up
in the moments of desperation will you seek an example
what will you see when my eyes change
what will you see when you look straight into the rain?

when is it going to end?

the world passes by just as a cloud in the sky
shares a face with us all including outter space
i watch it all watch it all in shame
i watch it all watch it all with no one left to blame

i wait for the moment when moments are never ending
when love is destroyed by the grip of humanity
find us the cure and i will find the reason

everyone's dying to get the disease this season

air

2007-12-02T12:58:38Z

i almost forgot you were here yet i always knew you were there. waiting in worlds of wonder and where true love fairs. share a thought for a letter and a generic touch for stare, never change a note, never let them know that... you are repaired.

compile and re-file, stumble and tie 'em, again...

what, oh what a majestic world to see. oh, and oh what is and will come to be? happiness in this moment is the greatest of plee's...

true love for the universe may set us all free...

for the world to see

2007-10-02T22:11:44Z

another entry here today, for the world to see, oh the misery. the same sad old song, the same said told stories. the open thoughts of an open heart typing without thinking to show them all. here it is, i pour my soul.

with such strong convinctions i dont have the faintest prediction of what is and what will come to be. i can only improve on the life i have left and i didnt lose, to make myself a happier future.

so there was this girl, she was so far away. so far away i dont even know if i will be able to finish the book. i was planning on writing a book about her and our relationship, the love so distantly shared across vast plains and lakes.

so let me figure this out...

this is all for you to see. even though no one will probably ever read this. even though i am alone and stand here with words in vain. i search and continue to ponder upon thoughts mislead by doubts and fears, and wonder if this will ever fucking end.

i am happy, confident, cool, and assertive. passive, humorous, and inteligent beyond words fair. yet, i am alone, once again without the one to hold my hand. even so, i have never been there, there was always the distance as a key factor.

what's left to say, let me figure this out...

while everyone is so caught up, in their drama, money, and greed. selfishness, anger, blame to be put on everyone but the wicked. i am here, yes i am here. in a room, in a house, all alone. and having myself doesnt seem that bad. in fact, it isnt... haha

it's sad.

the world.

try not to think too much darling, you might worry yourself senseless...

i am the best at ruining my life...

Infinite End

2007-10-02T11:35:39Z

I am the collection and presentation of everyone and everything I have ever known.

Overdramaticly Paralyzed

2007-09-19T01:03:41Z

Bury it all in the sand and hope the survivors of the nuclear holocaust have a light into the past and a glimpse of a probable future…

A secret time capsule.

Nuclear or Earthly? We will find out which is the holder of fates. My imagination depicts the down fall of mankind at our own hands. Leaders are overtaken by greed and power shuffle the deck of cards deciding which hand to play.

A silent war.

The Earth is alive and will restore itself regardless of the outcome. It will only end when the sun has a supernova and throws the planets in the hold of its gravity out of orbit and shooting them into the universe until they are picked up by another giant star’s gravity. Circumstances will decide the possibility of life when the planet reaches its new home.

When a planet finds a new father.

I’m dying quicker than usual. They are weeding me out. I know too much and I must be silenced. The truth is too much to bear. I can’t take this anymore.

Choking on the fumes of our machines.

The paranoia is growing stronger. Each day is less time and longer sorrow. I push them away just as I was abandoned. It is all a big lie. A secret kept from me. This is how I feel.

I grow tired of the struggle for power and control. I don’t want to one-up anyone and feel no need to attempt to fill a void that is tarnished by a false sense of insecurity. The desire to do well for others is bounded by a system. A system bent on feeding poison to the populace to gain ultimate power. Small doses over long periods of time bring confusion and radiation. Transformation from Earthly naturalist to a parasitic zombie.

Cancerous intuition.

Are my dreams my only escape from this reality? Even so, dreams as a drug make me shrug my shoulders as times passes and I grow older. I slept all and experienced visions of warped subconscious desires. A dream changing second by second. The souls of the tormented feed on my energy and confuse me. As if I am running through a labyrinth where hopes and fears fluxgate.

Fall asleep with a smile and wash the nightmares away.

Something of Depression

2007-09-19T00:45:58Z

Unsound for thoughts or unbounded by a crisis? A dilemma under foreword procedures. Persuade the days to proactively proclaim there’s all the shame in fame as there’s just the same in unknown status.

A question is asked once again as artists exclaim fears of insecurity and demand brainwashing presentation. You are told to be cold and are sold solemnly fainted words for no one is bound by the grip of the mold.

Shaping a character is not as complex as you may think. Manipulation is a short step away from a catchy rhythm or beat. Where the east meets the west the dead lay to rest as the crusaders make haste to harness weapons of waste.

Nowhere is the place I can’t picture a face in an out of control race. For the best of the less cause chaos in a world of hate. Destruction longs for a cure as we lure the populace into the muse. Abuse the habit until we all lose. A loss of character raped by…

A blinded third-eye slows the motion of time as the minutes skip by we sink into the lives. Vicarious visions of imperfect manifestations designed to provoke and allure a stimulus unguided searching for the loop. A circle, a sphere to turn the murky waters clear and fear, oh fears, captivates a yearly routine into the vortex.

Tripping over itself as a lost ghost is the host for uncharted experiments with drugs and apathetic attempts to find clarity wince. An endless flow which, it feels, as if no other knows forever pours from my soul with no offset to delay the expectant façade of the decade in a mere moral elongation of pain.

The future of the environment is a joke. Shop, spend, solicit ate, until the end. So you’re broke? Break the law to achieve your possessions within hands reach.

A teacher strives to share speech as students, on or off, call it what you want it will never end. A run-on for a write-off is a fair exchange beyond the range of a sonar we call external sensory aggressions. Give it a break. Make it a rest. Turn tears into perspiration, fake the notion of fate.

At this rate, anyway it turns out, we’re too late.

optimized for maximum capacity

2007-08-02T14:17:49Z

very seldomly do i take the time to write anything in here for me. i won't lie, usually it is for someone other than myself to read and hopefully take my words to heart. i find it harder each and every day to drive on. i am really pushing myself to accomplish short and long term goals. mainly goals that i will reach when i leave iraq.

sadly enough, today, it rained here in iraq. mud, everywhere. good thing i have boots to kick the shit off on some wooden planks. it was beautiful. such a hot place for such a humid acid rain. i dont know what to think anymore of what this world is coming to. i try not to think of it. i strive not to think, at all.

so what card am i going to play today? who am i going to be? when i awaken confused and tempered after a long nights sleep, i feel baffled and scattered trying to smile knowing i can brush my teeth. i am almost sure i am done thinking, done worrying and waiting for something to happen. i am getting to the point where i realize i have to make it happen. i have to do things to get things done.

this has been quite a journey for me, these past four years or so. in two weeks it is my twenty first birthday. the perspective i shared back then, reading some of my entries, has changed so much. i dont feel half of the ways i used to, if not, less then half.

if the one thing that keeps me going, is knowing that love is the most powerful emotion in the universe. and knowing life is going to give you as much as you put into it. it's not hard it's just a matter of attitude. well my attitude is definitely set in stone. i am going to kick ass until this world tears each other apart with war and greed. i am going to do this, for me. my family, friends, and my love for that special someone will see.

i've been holding back, and now, nothing is going to stop me.

off the top of my head

2007-07-21T05:41:29Z

it has come to be that the moments where i realize all that really matters to me is, love. i sit here and type as fast as i can while others sit next to me and behind me, i wonder if they notice. the loud clicking and keys one after another. i don't know what i am writing about or what i should be writing about, i'm sure i am writing about love.

there was a time in my life where everything felt right but even at those perfect most where imperfection seems slight, i know there is an underlying issue. the issue at hand is that i have made the upmost of glorious commitments to a girl. a girl, a woman, of whom i have grown to love an appreciate over the years, she is the question at hand at all moments i zone off into in my current life.

am i afraid? no. i know it is love and i know we make a good team and can work it out so easily. if only i could tell her right at this moment that she is the most beautiful girl of my dreams. i could never imagine being with a person so strong, so tact, with her daily habits and the decisions she makes for herself and to involve others in her life.

this girl i speak of, whom i whole-heartedly tell i love every chance i get, is the best thing that has ever happened to me. she makes me feel so great. like a gust of wind on a hot summers day. what else can i say about this girl? well she's gone through a lot and although i haven't gone through what she has to some extents, i feel for her. i understand her, i really do.

as if i am almost putting all of this here for her to read. and if and when she does read this, she'll know how much she truly inspires me. honestly, this person has done so much for me mentally and emotionally and it sounds bad when i say this, but she is almost only one of the reasons i have to live, aside from my best friends and family.

she is amazing and beautiful. smart and true. she blocks out all the bad people but she is empathetic to good people who are oblivious of their absent character and presentation. she strives and longs to become someone. gets knocked down and out and gets right back up again. i know she will never give up and she will be someone. that person who proves to the masses she is an individual.

i love her, more than any words above may or may not describe. if only i could show her, right now, here in this huge moment of mine. sealed with a kiss, forever, my love will burn.

i love you...

an atom

2007-07-18T18:07:42Z

never forget the times
where the worst were known
for their best, faults

departure from a character
was freedom beyond feathers
of an empathetic wing

forget never the memories
where pieces are present still
as we grasp so desperately
to pull it back together

a core, layers, soil, and vegetation
a flower, tree, river, an animal
an insect reaches for an atmosphere
with gravitational pull to a galaxy
that has made its home at the heart
of our universe
who knows only
an atom

a broken record is alive

2007-07-18T17:59:29Z

as i write in the dark
my whole purpose falls apart

torn from each end
limb by limb
a moment you wimb
fill up the empty to the brim

simulation a forgotten creation
you see yourself far from above

you beg the world to wake
plead for all to bleed
take a second and realize
a broken record is alive

the hesitation to breathe is founded by love

as i turn the page i almost forget
what i'm trying to fucking say
everyday, every way

so pray with me as if all that is left is a cry
for humanity to break away, free
from this cursed calamity

lost in a glimpse of what we perceive
in the vanity where the ocean is left without
attention for prevention
and we starve from sheer insanity

without profanity, lend out your hearts and hands

for love, in future, all eternity

one answer

2007-07-18T17:52:56Z

generally a good measurement consists
of poor judgment in a confined regiment

musically inclined is a fragile balance of life
say what you are not what you are trying to say

if there is a way to stop it
end the revolving hate mongering
hopes of these words being...

the questions unfold as the stories are told
the brave become bold to seek one...

when will souls awaken?
how do we allow history to repeat again?
is a beat just a second or a heart trying to defeat?
a consumption of oxygen fuels a life of creation
as carbon fills skies and trees alike?

shallow ponds seep into grounds of re-memories
where deception believes a seed will see
see a day when souls awake and not one mistake is
one answer

you can't spell answer without "we ran"

one last wish

2007-07-18T17:35:00Z

what i fear in jest
is a moment better than the rest

a day, a minute, a year, week, or month
i will never forget

so tears build up as i burrow down
digging deep inside

i look to find there is nothing my pride
or ego could fake for granted

an echo of states in history and rates
of positive or negative still stand

please don't tell me
you won't sell me
and if it hurts more
than words
don't fail me

simple and small
serene yet tall
being to fall and never
look up the wall

you thought you could save it
you begged for a kiss
you thought you would make it
you held onto it
you said you should fake it for one more kiss
you knew you faked it for
one last wish

conviction

2007-07-18T17:29:16Z

there was a time in my life
and that time is now

running rivers you can't escape
constantly thrown into waters of endless wake

it all moves so fast and so swift in a blink of a moments eye
perceptions of misconceptions, blurred, skewed,
in your state of mind

a random depiction of misguided confliction
afflicting upon a clear nights sky

no words will describe the momentary lapse in time
where united addictions meet contradictions and
an apparition floats, choking your life

sun and stars all fall apart as astronomers
of wisdom find death in religion every morning we rise

continue to mourn and i shall continue to carry
the bottle drinking the fluid of the torch that gives
dim light

continue to burn as our hearts churn
thicken the blood and turn the wrongs
into rights

never forget when all is said
the lively shake the dead
and echoes of regrets
will never be left unchecked
if we continue to follow and rebuild the red

"blood" the distant conviction she whispers..,

Feburary (Someday) 2003

2007-07-18T17:10:55Z

There is a time
Where nothing feels left
Here is my trigger
On my finger

You cried everyday
Hopeless, lost, in misery
You begged to be saved
No one came

I remember being that kid
the one who pushed everyone away
I remember that kid
so malnurished and empty

The clouds rolled in
Darkness overcame the world
You thought it this was the answer

What would you have left to chose to believe?
Endless stomach aches of broken apathy
And what did it all come to be?
You just wanted to fall asleep, forever

You thought it was the last goodbye
The storybook closed to a meaningless life

You didn't believe life would go on
Maybe it is just the same said old song

The sun did rise and you breathed
again, and again

The K.S.D. Curse

2007-07-18T17:04:14Z

Eleven times left and counting
Doubt of right numbers rounding
Up or down what balances it out
Just another name
Just another person

Eighteen days for eighteen girls
Eighteen years without a world
Filled with no love and grave hate
A world repeating searching for a day

Four weeks I thought it was love
Felt heaven crushing down from above
Fill my heart with hopes and screams
Make me believe

There more be something more than a wretched curse
Grievance, despair, nothing there
Crap and bullshit chorus prepared for the worst

So I meet you, once again
"What's your name?"
I hope and bleed
Is it a K an S or a D?

Should I walk away or run?
Should I bare with it and have some fun?
Lie to myself, I won't escape
What a horrible fate, a damnation facade

It seems I've found the one
Her name is pure and true
Finally a grasp of breath left to say here:
"I love you"

lied

2007-02-19T19:49:47Z

so you look at me and you see a face drowning in misery.
and the depression stands out and and reflects upon everything.
i find it hard to be happy, hard to look at me.
the mirror is my enemy, i look different each day.
but what do looks matter? what do they matter to anyone
but me? they say if you look like shit, then you must be.
i find this world hard to believe. the greed is almost enough
to grieve for day after day we drown, seeping into the machine.
i only want to shed some light in the darkness of reality.
silence truely is golden, i wish it was realized that no words
need be mentioned.

so it's all poetic. so its all nu.
we keep speaking redudantly of recycled news. history
repeats itself and time is a new. oh well, it continues
to rain and wash away the days. and although at times
it seems the sun is reluctant to shine, i can only help
but wonder why...

what is the purpose of living if we're all born and die?

basically trained

2007-02-19T19:34:51Z

i thought about it. i thought, think, of who it means to me.

but my heart aches and i dont want to break.

by your name i flee.

i'll be honest, i'm afraid. so what? i'll get laid?

yeah that's not what love is, its fake.

and i grow old and tired trying to please you.

you want me to say, ill choose you over me,

any freakin day?

that's not what love is. love is not the lust for a kiss.

and if i die, a soldier alone with a grave far away?

freedom will reign in the home of the free'd.

a new love for you to gain. pain in your heart from my life

that is lost? you'll carry on and on never content without

thoughts...

love is not love if it is love for a kiss. lust is lust and love is a

mist among dew in a dark valley.

you'll hide the true desires of a heart,

that is broken and shattered just as mine was from the moment

we departed...

i hope true love is real. i hope it really exist. i hope and dream and beg myself

to believe that one day you will really mean it.

and will i ever have known? who knows.

and will you ever, whoever you are, show me love?

love...

for you know who, you...

2006-05-03T17:23:42Z

i told you that i love you
i tell you that i care
i know it is not something
that my heart can bear

bear, what it is and why?
knowing you are seeing
some other random guy
i want to be that person
that one who makes you laugh
the one who has that comfortable feeling
when we are holding hands

and sometimes it hurts so much
most of times it feels so great
it's hard not to feel this way
it's hard not to say your name

and i want to tell you and call you
almost each and every day
but you're out doing your thing
and i'm at home playing games

i'd never thought i said it
but i know you are here now
so now i want to say it
and i've said it outloud

someday i'm gonna make it
make it out of this world i am in
make it to my own world i create
hopefully you can be there when

i'm here, i'll be waiting

pots

2005-01-18T07:51:15Z

i continue to speak and run the show
go with the flow and it's good to know
there's someone i have and places to be
spread my words without credibility

i'll continue the flow and wait again
for the right moment of truth instead
of making my own truth in my naive mind
this evening is the last of my old day nights

i've just about given up now haven't i
curl up and die is to keep some pride
like a brick wall, i'm a solid player and i'm standing tall
will you watch me fall, in this hollow hole?

here i go and here it comes
the meeting of two who want to have fun
i have to go now but it's alright
i could write and fight
to be a crucible knight